He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I think I died a long time ago.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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