After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
