hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
