Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
