the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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