im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
