he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
