The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
