Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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