i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
