I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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