ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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