Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize