dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
