guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So much rum. So many feels.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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