apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
