it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
