So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
