shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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