tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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