You just made me feel so damn special
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize