you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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