Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
