tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
