New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
