the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
our cab driver is having phone sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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