I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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