omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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