its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
