God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Sext me about skeletons
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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