census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
