I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize