but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
