i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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