I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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