i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
