I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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