he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize