just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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