This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Rumble strips road head = magical
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
