Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
