Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
