Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
