if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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