i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
