Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
