i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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