you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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