I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize