When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You ruined the universe
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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