the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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