It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
