I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
