it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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