I could have mohawked her pubes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
