I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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